Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You made out with two different species that night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
