hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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