i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
