this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
