i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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