I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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