Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
