I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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