I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
