I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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