The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
