You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
