Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
