I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
