My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
