I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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