The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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