Is it normal to miss your booty call?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize