I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
