i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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