i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
