i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
