i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
