at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just gargled with NyQuil
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
