Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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