New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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