Whatcha textin bout Willis?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
