Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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