we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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