Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
