I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
