Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
