Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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