Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
