I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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