Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
