I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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