tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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