You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
