take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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