dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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