people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
