I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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