Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
