Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
