just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
