I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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