I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My underwear smells like fireworks.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
