I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
