The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
